UNPRECEDENTED: GAME CANCELLED AFTER 27 MINUTES
SOUTH BEND, IN – NOVEMBER 19, 2007
For the first time in the history of college sports, a football game was canceled in the middle of play due to “unprecedented ineptitude.” Citing calls from NBC, thousands of fans, nuns, and Pakistani government officials, the NCAA canceled the Notre Dame – Duke game before the first half could be completed. Witnesses to the debacle have unanimously agreed that it was unquestionably the most worthless 2 hours ever spent watching anything resembling a collegiate sport.
In less than a half of football, the contest set records for most dropped passes, no-touch tackles, penalties, and ugliest coaching outfit. And it was cold as sh**. As the clock approached the three minute mark, referees simply walked off the field and NBC immediately switched to re-runs of Chuck.
NCAA President Miles Brand, normally a proponent of academics, explained: “While we appreciate that academics must come first in the NCAA, this game set a new low in sports and competition. Frankly, it was a fairly easy decision after watching the first quarter. The bigger question arising out of this experience is whether we should start paying our athletes – or at least allow these two schools to start paying their football players.”
NBC was an especially vocal advocate for cancellation. High-ranking NBC executives worried that the game could “ruin college football as we know it,” setting back the sport several decades. By the end of the first quarter, NBC had assembled high-ranking GE executives to help manage the crisis. Additionally, sources confirmed that NBC was in constant communication with Nielson during the second quarter, when Nielson reported that 100% of the residents in twenty-one states had completely turned off their television sets in disgust.
In order to save the sport of collegiate football and attempt to keep at least a handful of the game's viewers as future fans, the NCAA has declared that all records of the debacle will be expunged and has ordered NBC to destroy all video recorded in South Bend on November 17th. An outreach program has begun for the 11 fans who recorded the game for later viewing.
Other Game Notes
Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski - who had considered stepping in as football coach - pulled out before the game citing lower back pain. NCAA officials confirmed that the loss would not count against his career record and he will remain undefeated as a football coach.
There was a little good news. “Better Homes and Gardens” reported a huge surge in productivity and thousands of wives in shock, as almost 80% of traditional weekend chores were completed Saturday afternoon as husbands stood up from the couch in a daze, walked to the garage and chanted “there’s more to life than football.”