SOUTH BEND, IN - NOVEMBER 12, 2007
Scientists at the University of Notre Dame announced that they will publish a groundbreaking report on global warming by the end of November. The report, titled "Not Just a Bad Coach - a Bad Person" is said to categorically prove not only that global warming exists, but that former Notre Dame Head Coach Ty Willingham is the person primarily responsible for global warming.
The report leverages the recent work completed by the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change and, if correct, will make the Notre Dame scientists clear candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize in 2008. In a press conference announcing the groundbreaking work, ND Lead Scientist Father Patrick O'McCullen declared "This is the culmination of several years of hard work and represents a new paradigm in scientific discovery - the collaboration of science and athletics to help diagnose and solve the world's problems."
When pressed by critics for samples of evidence, O'McCullen cited the Davie Theorem, named after former ND Head Coach Bob Davie: "The Davie Theorem is the best demonstration of Coach Willingham's devastating effects on our environment. The Theorem is as follows: # of Recruits Needed = 30 = # of trips to see recruits (which = flights on private jet) x % Yield from recruiting trips. You see, because Coach Willingham was unable to recruit effectively, it forced him to take a horrifying number of private jet flights to compensate for his low success rate. His continued recruiting failure had a devastating effect on the environment. This is just one small example of the evidence in our report."
While the general report may sound depressing, there is some very good news from the study. Based on the climate change models used by the ND scientists, O'McCullen stated that Coach Weis' carbon footprint is negative and that ND fans and earth's inhabitants should expect that he will have global warming reversed by the beginning of the 2008 season.